Anyway, the first time I ever ran the St. Pat's race, I didn't run, I walked. It took something like 45 minutes. I ran the last 50'ish yards to make it look like I wasn't taking an early spring stroll through the course.
I wanted to be a runner, but I felt like an imposter. I would go out and try a mile or two and I couldn't catch my breath, my legs were stiff and my sides cramped. Other runners, better runners, blurred by in their tights and shirts from marathons they completed while I stood, hacking and coughing in heavy sweats.
My Wii Fit (I type this with no irony whatsoever) told me I was overweight in its high pitched little robot voice. I'd sigh and think, yeah, I'm freaking aware of the situation. I wasn't hugely overweight, but I was bigger than I'd ever been and unhappy.
That's me on the right with the glasses. I was the funny, smart one. I felt like the one the guys walked past to get to my beautiful best friends.
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| Run for the Luck of It 2011 |
Not long after the race I walked instead of ran, my life changed. I started living alone for the first time in my life and I was lonely. I'd lost friends to distance and the end of a long term relationship.
What I did have were an old pair of running shoes and slightly flooded running pants. I had nothing to do, so I ran. I mapped out a 3 mile loop and pushed myself through it. It hurt, so the next day I did it again.
I started running two or three times a week at that distance. It started to hurt less, or maybe it hurt the same but I started to like it. I mapped out a 5 mile loop and started doing that too.
In a small burst of body confidence, I bought running tights, a proper sports bra, and a running shirt. But I didn't really care about my weight or how I looked in the new clothes. In fact, that whole year I was weighed three times, twice by doctors and once by myself to make sure the doctors were right.
I started using terms like cross training and negative split times. I did yoga in my apartment on Sunday mornings. I started feeling strong.
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| Run for the Luck of It 2012, with Jim. He's faster than everyone. |
In 2012, I ran Run for the Luck of It in 28 minutes, 14 seconds. A month later, I ran another 5K in 27 minutes, 30 seconds, a PR for me.
I started hiking and running on trails when the weather was nice. I kept a promise to myself and signed up for my first half marathon. It made me nervous, terrified actually. I started thinking those imposter thoughts again. I didn't set any time goals, I just wanted to finish. I set up a training schedule and stuck to it, mostly out of fear of what would happen if I didn't.
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| Hiking in Missoula, MT 2012. Two months before my first half marathon. |
My longs runs got longer. One afternoon, I ran 10 miles in the pouring rain and it occurred to me - I'm a runner because I run. People weren't looking at me and saying, hey, what are you doing out here with us? The other runners were nice, most of them smiled and waved hello. I realized there was a lot of camaraderie to be had in a sport that was solitary by nature.
We runners are a strange bunch. Unless we're one of the select few with major sponsors, we actually pay to do this. We pay for the shoes and the races, the watches and sometimes, the trips to the physical therapist.
I don't know about everyone else, but I run because I have to. I've learned more about myself by running than I have by doing anything else. I learned that pushing forward starts with your mind, I learned to like the pain, to breathe. I learned that bad days can be erased by great runs. I learned that the silence on a good trail has a feel. I learned what the words "dig deep" really mean and that this, this small part of my life so far, matters because it matters to me.
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| Missoula Marathon/Half Marathon 2012 |
Love this post. As the Missoula Marathon looms I think of Ashley and her realizing "I'm a runner," and think, I am a runner too because here I am!
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